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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  June 14, 2012 6:50pm-7:25pm PDT

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captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us. how are you over there?
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are they okay? are you all right? you okay over there? everything good? come on! >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. ( cheers ) let me just be the first to say dominus lobiskum. another nation, it is no secret that america's small towns, especially in the rust belt, are struggling. it's goaten so bad that the prom theme of many small high schools is-- "enchantment under the overpass." and no one is struggling more than niagara falls, new york, home to a breath taking and majestic cascade of crushing poverty. according to the latest census, two out of three residents subsist on welfare or social security. so if you see someone there in a
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barrel, he's not about to go over the falls. that's where he lives. ( laughter ) but the town has found a savior from above. >> suspended 200 feet in the air. on a wire over niagara falls. that's 20 stories high. raging waters below. friday night, june 15, daredevil nick wellinda will attempt one of the greatest stunts of all times, crossing high over niagara falls on a wire, all in the dark of night. all the world will be watching. hold your breath gray high-wire walk across niagara falls in the middle of the night. this could be the most life-threatening event on network television since any football game. ( laughter ). nick well enda, of the flying well endas will be the first person ever to cross the mighty falls on a tightrope. he received an exception to the
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fall's "no stunt" policy thanks to the local economy's sluggishness. now, phobs, you know a town is in bad shape when they have to create a tourist attraction to attract tourists to their tourist attraction. and with the whole world watching this incredible stunt, niagara falls will be back on the map, right, new york state assemblyman, janitoreto. >> weave got it. we have a shot throughout the whole world. somebody might be out there. somebody might be coming and saying i might want to invest in that city. they're on the move. they're think outside of the box. >> stephen: boom! outside-the-box thinking, unless, of course, well enda slips, in which case they might need that box. and 0eto is right-- this will make businesses want to build
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manufacturing plant in the city because if niagara officials are encouraging a man to tighted rope walk across a water fall in the dark, i think that sends a strong message that their worker safety standards are not the highest. now, personally, i hope this type of death-deifying stimulus program catches on all across the rust best. maybe gary, indiana, can fire a human cannonball across lake michigan or maybe someone could attempt the unthinkable-- walk through downtown detroit. ( applause ) if nothing else, folks, this incredible stunt offers the possibility of change. soso many rust belt americans because if nick wellenda makes s it across that wire, he will wind up in canada.
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unless, of course, he gets stopped by canadian customs ( cheers and applause ) and, folks, we know who's responsible for the decline of these small towns. unions. their demands for a livable wage and accessible fiber exits have gutted our economy. ( laughter ) thankfully, public service unions have been taking a beating. first they, lost collective bargaining rights in wisconsin. then voters in both san diego and san jose cut workers' retirement benefits. indiana made it illegal for unions to mandate duse for workers and voters in oz gutted benefits for the lollipop guild. why am i paying for their diabetes medicine. one union scored a major victory
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and that brins us to tonight's word-- free lunch. folks, despite the national trend against public unions, some people just don't get it. take these greedy school cafeteria worker workers in pennsylvania. >> union ides workers in the school district have won the right to eat leftovers ueven when the food is expired. the union filed a grievance for the right to eat expired cafeteria food for free. >> stephen: these unionized, lunch lady thugs, now have the right to free expired cafeteria food. and given the quality of cafeteria food, expired is an improvement. folks, the right for workers to dine on our childrenna table scraps is a huge victory for the unions. i just pray-- i just pray other
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unions, especially public sector unions, don't force us into giving them these kinds of outrageous benefits. what's next? what's going to happen? firefighters? are firefighters demanding the right to pick through the charred remains of the house they just put out? they could get a free melted blender. or-- or maybe union cops having trouble paying their mortgages will be demanding the right to free lodging in vacant jail cells. they'll already know their neighbors. ( laughter ) and union nurses could win the most exciting perk of all-- they could win-- they could win expired medicines. just think how strong the pen sillen will be after it moles a second time. the point is 100 arizona ago, unions ushered in things like the 40-hour workweek, the
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weekend, the end of the child labor, and now 100 years on, they are at it again, demanding benefits that none of us could ever have imagined wanting in our wildest dreams because unlike their lunch, unions seem to have an expiration date. and that's the word. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )
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( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back.
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welcome back. if you paid attention to the news, you know there are terror all around us. the enemies of america are always trying to find new ways to take us down. for example, they keep replacing the pants in my dresser with ones that have smaller waists. i'm on to you, al qaeda. ( laughter ) well, tonight, i profile another hidden danger, so sit back, relax, and then panic. jim. >> there's a new front in the war on terror, and when the enemies of freedom attack, it won't sound like this. it will sound like this. because the newest threat is terror on the interweb. we will suffer a catastrophic cyber attack. the clock is ticking. >> it's very typical for the united states to undermate the enemy, and in the case of
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cyber war, i think that's happening. >> stephen: richard clarke say former white house adviser on psycher security. he wrote the book on cyber war-- it's that one he's holding right there-- and clark has a dire warning. >> a small group of talented people using ipads you know could really take down a whole nation this is richard zimmerman, head of an organization who is putting weapons into the hands of those who hate us for our freedoms. >> we're giving ipads to the orangutans. >> stephen: ipads to orangutans. >> o-rang-tans. >> oh, rang tang. >> o-rang-tan. >> potato, potaughto. let's call the whole thing the enemy within.
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terrorist mastermind richard zimmerman, or as he's known by his code name-- >> they called me monkey man. this is floyd, one of the interns. >> stephen: richard's wife, rob robin. and now the obsession has raticallized zimmerman. he's launched a misguided crusade called, "orangutan outrage," which he use uses to funnel money. >> we have raised more than $1 million for orangutans. >> and cyberweapons to orangutan sleeper cells. >> since we have ipads there's no reason orangutans shouldn't have access to them. >> stephen: no reason? >> as soon as there's a
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combination of terrorist groups or others who have the toolses, who have the know-how, have the connectist, and they have the desire to hurt us, it will happen. >> stephen: oh, and it's happening. the the "colbert report" traveled to their habitat deep in the malaysian pavilion of the toronto zoo to observe these natural-born killers in action as they plot and train for the come, take-- oh, my god! they are so adorable! look at that! he's in a box! look at you. you want a banana? jimmy hit me with some scary music. that's better. the final step is teaching them to use this terror tool. >> most hackers have had a mentor and they've been groomed by somebody else. >> stephen: meet the orangutan keeper, mat beer edge, he plays a key role in the
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orangutan sleeper cells. and as zimmerman's number two, he's teaching them to use our most advanced technology. there can be only one reason w why. >> i think the point is to stimulate them mentally. >> stephen: or is it to teach them how to write attack code? >> you don't write code yet. >> stephen: so we're saved. >> even if you don't know how to write an attack mode yourself, you can get an ap%. >> at least theor not using apps. >> they're using apps. >> holy ( bleep ). they're ready to launch their attack and it won't be the first time. time. >> got me. >> stephen: she narrowly survived, only to suffer a similar attack at the hands of richard gere. >> he's got me. >> stephen: despite all
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warnings, zimmerman continueto give the orangutan everything they need to take us down. >> i'm not worried. i have faith the orangutans will use the technology. >> they could in theory get into the electric grid control somewhere and shut the lights out. someone could mess with the stock markets. you could cause trains to derail, jam up all the airlines, get into the controls or the gas pipeline. i think most of these would be mad houses within hours. >> it's a mad house! a mad house! republica.>> stephen: all becae zimmerman gave ipads to orangutans. >> what? >> on. >> rang tangs. >> oh, rang tangs. >> orangutans. >> you mean like apes. >> stephen: yup. >> are you ( bleep )ing me. we're talking about the chinese. >> stephen: the chinese are
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our training partners. the new threat to america is apes armed with ipads, thanks to this maniac. >> you maniac! goddamn you. republican the enemthe enemy wi. we'll be right back.
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( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back. my guest is a legendary rocker and founding member of the allman brothers band. if you hold up your lighter at the end of the book, maybe he'll come back out and wrote an appendix. please welcome, greg allman! ( cheers and applause ) mr. allman, thanks so much for coming on. have a seat, sir. all right, sir, you know what, i gotta eye don't know even how to approach this interview with you. because you are a larger-than-life figure. are you comfortable with being referred to as a legend? >> well... uh... ( laughter ) there's some that i really don't like. that's not one -- >> stephen: you don't like-- you don't like the-- you don't like some of your legends or you don't like! things that are said about you?
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>> no, i don't eye don't mind being referred to as a legend ( cheers and applause ) it's a hard one to live up to, you know. >> stephen: absolutely, especially since some of your legends are pretty hard living. >> it's things like "superstar, rock star." >> stephen: civil war reenactor ( laughter ) ( applause ) you cut your hair, mister. you cut your hair, mister, and you could play robert e. lee. now, you are a son of the south. >> yes. >> stephen: okay, okay. you also 21 a military academy growing up. okay. >> four years. >> stephen: four years in the military academy. how did you do? how do you do in school? >> i had about a-- i had about a
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3.8 ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: not bad. now, you and your brother, dwayne, both went there. did you think you were going to have a military life? what did you think you would be doing? i have seen pictures of you in this book-- by the way, you have a new biography, autobiography, "greg allman: my cross to bear." this thing is getting great reviews. the photos in here of you as that high school military student doesn't look like a guy who is going to become this, okay. you look like you might be in the young republicans. >> no, when i got to my senior year, i picked up this newspaper and said vietnam. >> stephen: wait a second. the whole time in military
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school, you thought it was just the uniform? the whole shooting people didn't occur to you? >> i was in the third grade when i started. >> stephen: oh, okay, okay. >> i thought that it was great that we, unlike the fools at home, they're sitting there gloving their little plastic models together, whereas we are taking 52, labeling each piece, and putting back together 30, 50, and 70 million meter machine guns. so we got our grade. >> stephen: you had a 3.8 in machine guns. you didn't mention that before. >> they loved that, though. >> stephen: i bet they did. >> i thought this ain't part of my script. and i got-- ( cheers and applause )
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>> stephen: okay, now this story directly leads me to kind of a little ticklish part of this interview. i have been led to believe that even though this book is packed with the most fantastic stories, a lot of people's lives are know-- should be interesting. yours has been interesting. a lot of people have lived some crazy rock 'n' roll ( bleep ). you actually have. but my understanding is that you would prefer not to discuss any of the stories in this book. is that true? >> woman, they're in the book. ( laughter ). ( applause ). >> stephen: but, yes, i understand that, but don't you think we should maybe tease the people with a little bit of something that's in the book. like, you were married to cher, correct? >> she was married to me ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: you see? that's in the book! that's in the book! you would have four or five
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different women in different hotel rooms after a show. >> no comment. >> stephen: no comment? no, come ocomment. let's move some paper, man all right, all right. when your band went on your plane for the first time, your 720, it was written out on the bar in cocaine,"welcome, allman brothers." those are some of the stories in this book. >> the brackets was a briefated ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> stephen: oh! so you guys-- you guys weren't-- you weren't toiletly out of control. it was within moderation. >> supervised at all times. >> stephen: at all times, absolutely. well, listen, it's been great to meet you. it's been great to have you out here. gosh, i wish we could actually talk about things in this book
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because i rarely have any interest in my guest's book-- don't sale the other people who have come on-- >> i don't won't. >> stephen: but this book and your muc has in any event a lot to me. >> thank you. >> stephen: and i want to thank you for coming on. we'll be right back.
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do you see it ? there it is ! there it is ! where ? where ? it's getting away ! where is it ? it's gone. we'll find it. any day can be an adventure. that's why we got a subaru. love wherever the road takes you. wow, there it is. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: that's it for the report, e
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>> 2012, from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome to the "daily show." i'm jon stewart.
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man oh, man oh, man oh, man. we have a program for you tonight. the lovely maggie gyllenhaal will be joining us. we're very excited about that ( cheers and applause ) excellent actress. as you know, presidential electionux less than five months away, it's a time when the american people reflect on the state of nation and the needs of its citizenry, examine which president's candidate would best address these urgent and critical time. ( laughter ). that's our job. their job is to raise as much ( bleep ) money as they can get their hands on. and it appears that is going to come down to the wire. tonight... ( cheers and applause ) that was our entire-- from what